Most men, after a long day at work, just want to come home and unwind. We have probably used up our 10,000 words for the day. There’s not much we want to say in these late evenings. Women, on the other hand, are a bit different. You see, she only used up 10,000 of her 20,000 words and so she’s primed to keep talking. Relax gents, no need to get anxious. The beauty of it all is that she doesn’t necessarily need your opinion or advice. For her it’s about sharing what the day’s experience has been like or maybe she’s seeking affirmation. All the emotional thrills and spills are just a part of who she is. Call it bonding if you will.
There are many ways to engage her while speaks. A gentle nod of the head will show that you’re in tune with what is being said. If you remain motionless, she’ll probably think you’re not interested or, even worse, you’re not listening. Making eye contact is an excellent means of communicating. Lock eyes with her and she’ll love you for it. Every now and again you may need to use a word or two. Here are a few I found while listening to Allan Pease, a communication expert.
It’s easy to answer to what you think should be asked. While doing this you negate the actual question that was asked. Rephrase the question if you must, but pay attention to what was asked. Don’t interject. Have the patience to wait until the question is completed. There is a catch however. In reading the book “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps” by Allan and Barbra Pease, I found this small yet pivotal phrase:
“typical female speech trait: indirect speech.”
Let me explain. Your girlfriend takes two pairs of shoes (black and red) to you and asks, “which pair should I wear to the dinner?”
You respond, “The black one.”
She instantly quips, “So what’s wrong with the red one?”
Little did you know that she already decided on what she wanted to wear. At this point she’s only seeking confirmation. What should you have said? Allan suggests you ask this question: “Have you decided which pair you want to wear dear?” Problem solved!
The art of conversation requires that one be predisposed to keen listening. Women love when a man listens to them. They tend to thrive on attention. You want to pay attention to what is said and consider equally, what was not said. Now, it’s very important to remain neutral until you have heard the full story. Your ego will cause you to come up with an opinion before she’s through. This only gives you a biased view.
“Do you think I’m fat?”
This is definitely a trick question to which you offer neither a positive nor a negative response. I honestly do believe one should always try and speak the truth. However, not everyone can handle hearing the truth. In such cases, be gentle with your truth. No woman really wants to hear from a guy that she’s fat. The alarm bells go off. You are no longer a nice person. I suggest you find a complimentary way of describing what you see. Get a thesaurus if you’re struggling for words.
Not so long ago I learnt about this matter of emotional intelligence. Simply put,
“Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others.” Psychology Today
It is true that women are hard to read. By that I mean, women are hard to understand. It is not impossible to do so. This latter fact should give all men hope. Much of their behaviour is influenced by biological factors. The human body is designed to carry out particular functions. Biologically and psychologically men and women are wired different.
“Did you see what she just said?“
There is a reason she’s doing what she’s doing. Our ability to decipher what is the impetus for her actions is what I find to be that critical part of emotional intelligence, which we men must come to possess. Also, follow her body language and note carefully all the contortions her face goes through during the convo.
The following quote sums it up perfectly.
“One of the key concepts that every great interviewer or conversationalist knows is to ask open ended questions. Open-ended questions are ones that don’t require a simple yes or no answer. They are generally questions that require more words and thought. Once the individual being targeted in the conversation supplies more words and thought, a great conversationalist will utilize the content given and continue to ask open ended questions about the same content. The entire time, the individual being targeted is the one supplying the content of the conversation.”
Taken from: It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone
Gifts are a wonderful way of saying how much you love and care for someone. But I find that you can convey the same sentiments with words. We men know how we feel but there is a struggle with putting it into words. This inability can be very costly.
“A woman leaves a man not becauseshe is unhappy with what he canprovide, but because she isemotionally unfulfilled.” Allan Pease
How many men have lost out because of this simple yet important issue. You have heard it said a million times over, “It’s the little things.”
Sometimes you just have to say it as it is. Yes, it may hurt, but in some instances that is exactly what is needed. She may end up crying or not speaking to you for a while, but so be it. Sir Winston Churchill once said:
The truth is the truth is the truth and no one can argue with it. Someone has to be the standard bearer. It is not possible for everything to be relative and you still maintain a functional relationship. Speak your truth quietly and firmly but avoid being self-righteous.
There you have it. Keep working on your relationships.