Love is not what you think it is. That sparkly, light headed feeling you get every time you see him is not love. That’s just a bunch of hormones kicking in at the right time. Fine dining at the posh restaurant your gal pals are gaulking about is not it either. Perhaps you think that diamond studded ring is the perfect symbol of his love for you. Love is costly, that is true. This does not mean it will only cost money. And when it costs more than money, will he be willing to pay? That ring doesn’t say a thing.
What then is love?
Love is….? A lot of things and nothing at the same time. Truthfully, love is not a thing or a feeling. Love is a gift. You can give it or receive it. No, you can’t make it. You can’t fake it because loving requires passion and you cannot fake passion. Love is a motivation for a certain course of action. It urges you to move along a particular course that may not be smooth but runs true. Love is what you find when all the fanfare dies. When the moonlighting is over, you discover love.
So he recognizes that you’re a poor cook. You spoil everything. Thank God for electric kettles. His mother is the best cook in the world. Countless times she encouraged him to get a woman who cooks well. Mothers want their sons to be well fed. With this cultural foundation urging him to look elsewhere, he still sticks with you. Next, you see him an invitation for a cooking class. That’s no fuzzy feeling business, that’s a progressive move.
Love is the praise you get for being excellent at what you do. You look fly last Friday at that dinner party. She lets you know and brags to all her friends. Affirmation is good. We thrive off positive affirmation from friends, family but especially our partners. There’s nothing quite like a public compliment from your lover.
Love is searching the entire market for her favourite fruit. You ask every vendor. You even make special arrangements to get the item. This is because you were paying attention to the “little things” and you care about her happiness and you want to give her a pleasurable feeling. Forget about getting chocolate and regular flowers. Be deliberate, be specific. She likes white chocolate cheese cake. Forget the boring cheese cake. Get her the one thing she loves above all else. This requires sacrifice and certain keenness. That is love.
But now, forget all the pleasant stuff. So she got exposed to your nasty, ever recurring, vice(s) that you’ve been carrying for too long. You got called out for the douche you are. It’s the truth. She’s not making up stuff now. This is not a “majoring in minor” type of issue. This is you. The ugly truth about who really are was laid bare for her to see. Confronted with crude honesty, the instant response is to deflect. Your pride got crushed and the embarrassment of discovery rests squarely in your eyes. Naturally, you get upset. Then she gets upset. Only that she returns tomorrow. In view of all that was unearthed yesterday, the lady returned, sleeves rolled up, ready to work. What do you do?
Now that you’ve found love, get to work. It is utterly useless to argue with the truth. Agree. Apologize. Adapt and adopt new actions. That’s the plan. If you’re not willing to change what’s wrong with you, it’s not love. Ladies, if he’s not willing to compromise on something that IS detrimental, he doesn’t love you.
Sometimes we are in love with the idea of being in love. But we do nothing concrete or create no long term plans for this supposed love. That’s a pure infatuation. Fleeting, like a warm, fuzzy feeling on a summer afternoon, it will quickly make way for a cold autumn. If he or she doesn’t have thoughts for mixing mortar with you, forget it. All you have is a fling. It may feel good for now, but this too shall pass.
When you find love, you treat her/him as a precious gift. When you find love, you prepare yourself to be a gift to her/him. The wrapper is not the gift, it’s just the packaging. Love is what you find when you get pass the wrapper. Now you see their flaws and faults, cracks in your pristine porcelain. Now you see you. Now that you’ve found love, get to work. Keep her, improve on you.
As always, style is personal, do you.